Journal Entries From the World’s Worst Tenant #1: Landlord-Paid Utilities

I woke up today and felt great. And I’ll tell you why: balance. Specifically, the heat was on and my windows were wide open. It gets cold at night sometimes. I’m not gonna freeze just because my windows are open. That’s the definition of crazy.

Again, life is all about balance. Too much of one thing means not enough of another. That’s why, last night, I had that nice cool breeze blowing in on me while I slept. It helps me dream better. You know how good my dreams were? I dreamed that I had an anteater for a pet, and I was using it like a vacuum cleaner to suck up all the ants that keep coming around since I leave the dishes in the sink for a week. You think I would’ve had an anteater-vacuum dream if I didn’t have the windows open? Hardly. I would’ve been dreaming about taxes or something – boring stuff that has nothing to do with anteater-vacuum. To-do list kind of stuff. No thank you.

But too much of a cool breeze and you’ll get chilly. Gotta get it just right. That’s why I had the heat set at a balmy 80 degrees. I’m from the South, in my mind. I have a tropical mindset. So I get cold easy.

Again, it’s that balance that gives me comfort. And you know, it’s all about circadian rhythms. You can’t make this stuff up. Every 24-hour period you have a balance of night and day. It’s in our DNA. The day is different. You have to respect that.

I need balance. I need equilibrium. Because I’m an animal – and not just because I don’t like doing dishes. I love fresh air no matter what. That’s why I kept those windows open all day but just flipped the switch from heat to AC. And come on, with the AC cranked up all the way, I’d feel like an ice cube without the windows open. So I didn’t refrigerate myself today. I’m not leftovers. I’m a person. Well an animal. An animal-person.

In life, it is all about balance. We need to feel warm, so when it’s 40 degrees outside, I heat it up inside so I don’t shiver. We need to feel cool, so when it’s 90 degrees outside, I cool it off so I don’t get all sweaty. I’m an animal, but not a shivering or sweaty animal. A comfortable animal. An animal who sits inside with the ants, thanking God every day that no one can make me do the dishes. That I can choose to live in filth. And that my landlord is covering the bill.

Stay tuned for more Journal Entries From the World’s Worst Tenant