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Journal Entries From the World’s Worst Tenant #4 – Late Rent

Late Rent

I don’t believe in time. That’s the first part of it. And then the other part is that I don’t believe in money. My landlord is big on both of these things. In fact, she’s probably one of those nutjobs who thinks that time is money. I suppose it’s OK to think that a made-up thing is a made-up thing.


Now to be clear, I don’t believe in time, but I do believe in space. I require lots of space, and I get frustrated when someone starts encroaching on my space to tell me something about time and money. Because my comfort is so important to me. I’m an animal.


The thing is that I am a complicated animal. And that means my needs are complicated. I can’t just be expected to pay X amount of money on Y date. What are X and Y anyway? I never took algebra. Sounds like the whole thing is made up to keep me down.


When someone talks about abiding by the lease, what is the lease, the Bible? Isn’t that sacrilegious, to think that you can find Truth in a legal paper? Haven’t you read the Fair Housing Act? I haven’t – but I have an idea of what it says. It says the Torah and the Quran and the Bible are all better than leases. And it says that if you have your own religion, and if your religion says that leases are all just a bunch of lies, then so it is written. Boo-yah!


Plus, you hear people talk about “island time” – how people in tropical spots don’t care about when they arrive. Well I am on island time, and I am my own island. My 7 o’clock is your 2 o’clock. But my 5 o’clock is your 9 o’clock. Because my clock goes in both directions, forward and backward, whichever way it pleases. Sometimes yesterday is tomorrow. So how can someone tell me my rent is due when my calendar says it isn’t due until next week? And what if my calendar says that next week will never be here, because we’re caught in a space-time vortex? See, you can’t stop the truth.


I’ll pay the rent when I get around to it. I won’t be caught up in this idea that I have to cough up dough based on algebra that is against my religion.




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